Show of hands - who has a long to-do list? Silly question, right? To-do lists are never short. If they were we wouldn't need a list to remind us what to do.
Take a look at what’s on your to-do list. Not just the one you have written down. Consider the mental to-do list that you carry around in your head and what is on it too.
How many of the items on your list are things you think you should do vs things you want to do? In other words, how many of those are self-imposed expectations? Let me explain by sharing a few examples with you.
Here are a few examples of expectations new moms might to put on themselves:
It’s been a year, I should have lost the baby weight by now.
I should be enjoying this season of motherhood.
I should have a morning routine.
I shouldn’t miss the life I had before becoming a mom.
I should be able to do this without help.
Do you notice a trend?
There’s a fair amount of pressure and responsibility behind these expectations. And when those expectations aren’t achieved the result is self-criticism, guilt, and disappointment.
New moms aren’t the only ones putting expectations on themselves based on what society says they should be able to handle. Think about current events and the expectations parents everywhere added to their already full plates. Things like:
I should be able to keep track of my child’s eLearning.
I shouldn’t be giving my kids so much screen time.
I should be able to figure out how to eliminate distractions during my workday.
I shouldn’t have to choose between the health of my children and my sanity.
Expectations can come from your job, your parents, your spouse, the government, and many other sources. And while you will always have opinions coming in from external sources in your life, I want you to focus on the voice that matters most - your own.
Using the word should indicates that you feel stuck or pressured to move towards something that you feel pressured into doing. By saying, “I should…” you are criticizing or shaming yourself over the thing you feel obligated to do.
As a new mom or a parent facing the uncertainty of a pandemic, you don’t know what to expect. You’ve never done it before. In both cases, you are facing a new experience with heavy emotions and uncertainty. When you throw shame and unrealistic expectations into the mix, you’ve got a recipe for disappointment, anxiety, and depression.
What you can do about it
#1. Stop shoulding on yourself. Listen for how often you find yourself saying (even if it’s the voice in your head) the word should throughout the day. This will help you identify the expectations you’re placing on yourself. Notice what it is in reference to. Take a step back and consider the choices available to you and the one that serves you best in your current situation. Remember, even though should indicates an expectation, it also means you have a choice - and that is where your power lies. Once you decide what you will do, rephrase your action by saying: I can… I will… I choose to… or I want to…
#2. Lower your expectations. When you find yourself navigating major transitions (like becoming a new mom or parenting during a pandemic), it’s a great time to determine whether your expectations are realistic. This doesn’t mean you give yourself an excuse to check out on all your responsibilities, but it does mean that you get really honest with what you would like to accomplish compared to your ability to accomplish it. In other words, you accept where you are and control your expectations. Controlling your expectations allows you to focus on smaller accomplishments so you can gain momentum and keep moving forward.
Think about the 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘴 you are putting on your to-do list and your ability to accomplish them given everything else you are juggling. These are challenging times. You aren’t setting yourself up for success if you aren’t realistic about what you can handle and continue to criticize yourself for not meeting your own expectations.
There will always be something left undone. Do your best and leave the rest for tomorrow. Your best is more than enough.
If you are struggling with self-imposed expectations or how to prioritize your time, energy, and to-do list, schedule a free Discovery Call so we can tackle them together.