Many women experience an identity crisis at some point throughout motherhood. And maybe it is fueled by all the expectations put on moms. My clients and mom friends often say things like, “I miss my old life.” Or, “I don’t know what my interests are anymore.” If you can relate to these statements, you are not alone.
It’s normal to grieve the loss of the body and life you had before your children. The truth is motherhood can be draining at times. It can feel like every piece of your pre-mom self has been stripped away from existence. Which makes sense given the complete transformation you go through when becoming a mom. Your body looks and feels different. Your mind is blurry from breastfeeding, a lack of sleep, postpartum recovery, and a mile long list of responsibilities. Then there’s the change that happens in your social circle as your friends without kids aren’t sure when or how to connect. Which can make motherhood feel even more isolating and lonely.
No one tells you about the effect of motherhood on your mental health. The loss of identity and added responsibility can leave you wondering if this is all there is to life.
It doesn’t have to be. You can choose to find yourself again. You can decide to reclaim the pieces of your old self that you want to accompany you in your motherhood journey.
It doesn’t have to be old you or new you. That’s the beauty of this season of life. You get to evolve into a stronger, more beautiful version of you.
Here’s How:
Step 1: Identify what you miss about your old self. It might be difficult to pinpoint exactly what it is you miss about your pre-mom self on your own. These questions will help you dig deep to explore your thoughts and feelings:
What part(s) of your pre-mom life do you find yourself missing? Is it sleep, freedom, alone time, your body, connection with friends, or something else?
What specifically do you miss about that part of your life?
How is the absence of it impacting your life today?
How do you feel without it?
After reflecting on what’s missing, pick one thing to focus on for the remainder of the steps. For example, if you identified connection with friends as something that is missing from your mom-life, you could choose that as your one thing as you work through the steps that follow.
Step 2: Explore the importance of resurrecting that one thing from your old life. In this step, get really clear about how reclaiming this piece of your old self will improve your current situation or well being. Here are some questions to consider:
What would it mean to you to have that part of your life back?
How would your life be different?
How would it impact the way you show up for your children and/or spouse?
Why is that important to you?
** Don’t skip this step. In fact, spend some time writing out the answers to these questions. This will be your underlying reason for working towards something different. It will be what you come back to when you run into obstacles and excuses as you begin to make changes in your life.
Step 3: List 3-5 ways you could incorporate your one thing into your current mom-life. Make a list of possible ways to bring this part of your life back to life. For example, if your one thing was connection with friends, think of ways you could incorporate this into your life. Maybe that looks like scheduling a monthly phone call with your best friend. Or meeting them at the playground to catch up while your kids play. Or arranging childcare for your kids so you could meet for coffee once a week.
If you struggle with this steps enlist the help a trusted friend or family member. Or ask someone who appears to have maintained this thing in their motherhood journey how they do it. If you can’t think of anyone to ask - ask Google! (You can find an article on just about anything on the internet.)
Step 4: Commit to action. Take a look at the list you made in the last step and commit to doing one thing in the next 2 weeks. Afterwards, pay attention to how this impacts your mood and the way you feel. And don’t stop there. Commit to making sure you continue to reclaim this part of your identity.
If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you’ve heard me say “If you’re not changing it, you’re choosing it.” Change requires action and this is your chance to break away from the thought that you are just a mom. This is your chance to be you in addition to being someone’s mom.
One last thing… You are not a bad mom for wanting something more for your life. You don’t have to feel guilty for taking time to rediscover your interests. It’s perfectly normal to want to have friends, interests and/or activities that have nothing to do with your children. After all, they are going to leave your home and build a life of their own one day. Don’t wait until they have moved out to build the rest of yours.